Goblin Store
Official manufactured merchandise, heavy direct-to-garment apparel, and recurring subscriptions to absolutely nothing.
Subscription to Nothing™
Choose your nothing
Three tiers. Three billing terms. One identical deliverable: absolutely nothing, shipped never.
Wow, you really love GoblinLife.org. You are a True Goblin.
Void Lite
Nothing, but on a schedule.
billed $24.00 every year
Void Premium
The same nothing, with a nicer font.
billed $59.88 every year
Executive Enterprise Nothing
Nothing, at scale, with a contract.
billed $119.88 every year
*Sales is permanently in a meeting. This button subscribes you directly.
| Compare benefits | Void Lite | Void Premium | Executive Enterprise Nothing |
|---|---|---|---|
| Access to Nothing | |||
| Nothing delivered | Monthly | Weekly | Hourly (still nothing) |
| Ad-free GNN | |||
| Priority place in the void | Queue position #2 | Queue position #1 (the queue is empty) | |
| Uptime SLA | 0% | 0.00% | 0.000% (five nines of zeroes) |
| Seats | 1 | 1, but leather | Unlimited (all empty) |
| Support channel | Shouting into a storm drain | Email (unread) | 24/7 hotline to a fax machine |
| Dedicated Nothing Success Manager | Assigned. Will never call. | ||
| Sense of superiority | Implied | Notarized | |
| Quarterly silence report | Bound in leather, also blank | ||
| Gold name in the comments | |||
| Cancel anytime |
*Most popular among people who clicked it.
**Value is the same per month on every term. The savings are spiritual.
Prices in USD. The total shown under each plan is what you are billed each period, renewing until you cancel. You receive nothing, as advertised.
OFFICIAL MERCHPrintful SyncI Love My Chinese Open-Weight Model AI Girlfriend
Official GoblinLife drop. Premium 100% combed ringspun cotton with high-density direct-to-garment print. Oversized boxy silhouette with relaxed streetwear drape.
Artisan Jar of Genuine Ditch Vacuum
One-time purchase. We will step outside into Ditch #7, seal an invisible chunk of vacuum into an imaginary container, and immediately throw the box away so you do not even have to recycle it.
Irrevocable License to Complain into the Ether
Permanent non-fungible grant authorizing you to complain about modern frontend frameworks, VC slop, and existential dread directly into /dev/null with full impunity.